How Strong Are You? “You never know how strong you are until being strong is your only choice,” says Bob Marley. I recently was put to this challenge, having to face, endure, fear and recover from major

surgery. I’m usually a private person, so following a peer’s suggestion to write this blog post is a challenge, itself. This is about facing fear and choosing being strong as my only choice. I hope you will benefit from my experiences and the lessons I learned.

My first challenge to be strong was to trust my intuition by saying “Wait” to the surgeon, who expected (but did not find) the worst. I didn’t want to miss the healing retreat that I had scheduled months before I even knew I’d need surgery. So against medical advice, I delayed the surgery for 2 weeks. Although the retreat in California was spiritually healing, when I returned to Denver the calm disappeared and the fear returned – I, again, could not easily concentrate, sleep, relax, eat or meditate the fear away. But being strong was my only choice.

Another choice was making the effort to reach out and ask for help. Some friends came forward and others retreated. A private person, I created a hidden facebook group, where I requested only funny and inspirational thoughts. I refused negativity.

Being strong was the only choice I had at the hospital. I had to ask for help when I needed it. Reaching out for help challenged the part of me that doesn’t like to bother people. But if I needed to get out of bed, I needed to have help. This led to what I call my hospital temper tantrum. My friends and clients know me as a calm, patient person. One night, however, when I could not get help, I got scared – and angry! What if I had an emergency and no one came! So, I did what I could think of to get attention – I took off my oxygen sensor! But that didn’t work! Finally, I got myself out of bed and made it ½ way across the room to the door, which was as far as my lines could get me, and started yelling for help. Even as I write this 6 weeks later, feelings of trauma come back up. Thankfully someone did hear me. The nurse was not at all happy with me. Believe me, I was not happy with him either! I had not been told me that the nurse button on the side of the bed was ‘never’ connected. The next morning my doctor agreed that every action I’d chosen was logical. So, sometimes the best choice is to break the rules. Especially when feeling scared and angry. When being strong is your only choice.

To be strong, I chose to take control of what I could, and to surrender the rest. – I wouldn’t let myself feel helpless at the hospital. But I did feel frustrated and thwarted. I did my best to stay as independent as possible. ‘Helpless’ did follow me home, however, in the form of ‘what if’ thoughts.

I had to embrace fear to bring it down to size. – It was an enormous relief to not receive the big scary diagnosis, but there were specific times when I did not know what would happen next, or how to feel better. One morning plenty of nurses rushed to my room because a technician raised a ruckus in the hallway when I wouldn’t let him in, unexplained and unannounced. Fear followed me home. I didn’t know which post-surgery symptoms were normal and which were not. I ended up having to be readmitted to the hospital. I experienced post-surgery stress when I thought about the enormity of the surgery and hospital experiences.

I had to learn to love all of myself to be strong. The recovering parts, the healthy me. Staying home for 5 weeks made it an emotional effort to begin to socialize. I had little energy to call friends. If a waitress looked at me wrong I’d burst into tears. This was not me. I worried about symptoms. You name it.

When I was anxious I did art therapy on myself. I called someone, breathed, meditated, laughed with the dog.

Being strong was not a choice, so I chose to celebrate small accomplishments. Fatigue mimicked depression. I knew I wasn’t depressed. But I didn’t feel ‘strong’. I had no motivation, no energy. I recently looked up post-surgical recovery and read that I should not have become “a couch potato in front of the television”. Whoever wrote that must never have had surgery! I initially had no energy to do much else! But I knew that NOT being strong was not a choice. Thankfully, my dog wanted to walk, and I slowly increased the distance. To overcome the fear thought, ‘OK, I walked a block, I must be tired” I began to drive to a duck pond and walked around it, stopping to sit on different benches. My dog definitely liked this. I think she kept planning dinner! I avoided even familiar groups because of the emotional effort of having to explain the surgery and re-experience the trauma. I had no desire to go into my studio and do art work. That did return, when I received a painting commission. I also did art therapy on myself, drawing a picture of trauma and then ‘healing the drawing.’

Finally, after 5 weeks I pushed the envelope and returned to my office in Aurora and the open art studio I facilitate at The Center for GLBT.

I am filled with gratitude. I did not have the scary diagnosis. I am healing. Friends sent cards, brought meals, went grocery shopping. When I was down, they reminded me that I am alive. That I was strong. My daughter was my heroine throughout. I received help from a trauma expert. My pup learned not to jump on me! I never lost my spirituality. I am grateful for the clergy who prayed with and for me. The sun still shines and the duck pond is beautiful.

So, how can this very personal post help you? Here are some things I learned about choosing to be strong.

• • Trust your intuition. Have you ever sensed something was wrong but didn’t act on it?
  • Take control of whatever you can and surrender the rest. What are some things you do have control over and what can you chose to surrender?
  • When you are filled with fear, name it. Invite it in and it will shrink down to size.
  • Love all of yourself. So much easier to say than do. I’d love to hear how you experience this.
  • Reach out to loved ones.
  • Ask for help when you need it and smilingly refuse it when you don’t.
  • Celebrate small accomplishments – walking a second block
  •  eating when you are hungry, driving.
  • If you are anxious, breathe, walk, call, pray, or, as any art therapist will tell you, draw it out.

• “You never know how strong you are until being strong is your only choice.” Bob Marley                                                                                                                                                  Call me, Claudia Trevithick, if you have illness in your family, or want some help being strong when that is your only choice. 720-242-9241

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  Strong C Trevithick